Workout Satire

Dear Dysfunctional,
And now, an excerpt from my workout journal.


Day 1:
In preparation for my new workout regimen, I took it upon myself to visit such premier stores such as Walmart and... Walmart in search of proper fitness equipment. The first item on my list was fairly easy to find; roughly three metric tons worth of bottled water. I view this purchase by way of a longterm commitment: as it is, I now have enough of the most plentiful compound in the world to last me in this fitness program until about the ripe age of 120. I figured this based on the estimate that my rigorous cardio should demand about three quarts of water, fortified with crystal light, per diem. The second item was somewhat more difficult to locate. I cannot understand why it is so difficult to locate headbands in purples and oranges, an item so popular during the nineties. Upon continuing, I was shocked by the exorbitant pricing of small three quarter pound weights. Upon reading the price tag, I paused for an executive decision and have resolved that, for the betterment of my budget, I can sacrifice a modicum of my professional image by substituting the weights with a pair of hefty soup spoons. Next, I purchased every Madonna CD I could possibly lay my hands on. I figured that I would need music not only to keep my blood pumping, but also to assure any other runners in the near vicinity that I was knowledgeable of the nature of the pastime, and not an amateur who was not even aware of the close connection between running and music. Lastly, but not leastly, I selected a pair of flamboyantly coloured Nike shoes. I chose the most expensive pair, which were around the price of a small car. I find this appropriate, as I have sold my car in the expectancy that in the near future, I will be able to run to any of my more patronized locations. The only thing I fail to understand is why the shoes are so expensive, despite the fact that they seem to be made with minimum materials. 


This has been a short excerpt of a small journal that continued for four or five days. Tune in next week for the continuation of this inspiring true story. And just remember that you too can drop those extra pounds; all it takes is determination, resolve, resoluteness, will, purpose, courage, boldness, steadfastness, and liposuction. 

Stay strong and resolute and courageous and determined and steadfast, 
Chase Mulliett 

PS, song of the day is totally irrelevant, Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes, by Paul Simon.