A Childhood Mentality

Dear Dysfunctional,
over the years, your world view has doubtlessly changed innumerable times. I am also willing to bet that you have rarely taken the time to look back on how the world looked through the lens of your childhood. If you did take that time, perhaps you would remember the universal axiom of childhood; everything is intriguing. Though the instinct to put everything from wood blocks to your moms curling iron in your mouth may have died at age two or three, the urge to touch and examine everything still clung to your personality. In fact, I know a good many people who still have that same curiosity (or perhaps just a generally gossipy disposition) imbedded in their psyche. The child's imagination is the perfect complement for this curiosity; normal dull objects become fascinating venues of adventure. An umbrella becomes a shotgun or a parachute, (though this latter function has often gotten me into trouble, and quickly brought me to grips with gravity) pillows become everything from discus' to construction material for elaborate pillow houses (spending time in those with candles and reading or something is still on my top twenty of favorite ways to spend time) to an airplane. Now, these principles of the society of children may seem... well, childish, but honestly, do you have more fun now than you did as a kid? Unless your childhood was marked my tragedy and misery, than you enjoyed the world at least ten times more than you do now. So my advice to you is go and get out a teddy bear and pretend that he's on safari with you. Ten times better than checking your Facebook feed every ten minutes.
ta-ta,
Clive the Hermit

PS, song of the day is Supersonic Rocket Ship, by The Kinks

The Frightening Reality... TV

Dear Dysfunctional,
One of the current blights of mankind in the present day is a religious ritual which its promulgators term "Reality Television".  Its critics have given it the scornful title of "oh, come on.  This is so obviously scripted.  I mean, there is no way this crap happens in real life.  I mean, the wife has obviously had plastic surgery even though they live in the middle of freaking nowhere." This is not the complete title; it continues for a couple minutes in more complex jargon that most people consider unfit for general consumption.  Now, it's not entirely justified.  Why, you ask?  well, my fine feathered friend, (or perhaps you don't have feathers; though some of my detractors have claimed that my writing is for the birds) it is unfortunately true that this is actually unscripted.  I'm sorry, but these things, though perhaps a little *ahem* dramatized, are in fact bearing some semblance to real life. Now, if these scenarios were totally disconnected from reality and written by writers out there to shock and create emotional ties and rifts, then it would just be like the rest of TV drama, as stupid as that also is. However, these shows are about people who are actually performing this way in front of tens of thousands of viewers on a regular basis. So essentially, this bears some semblance to how they live their real lives. I happen to find that scarier than a show about midwives. Well, given that these reality TV stars do exist, perhaps the best solution is to stick all of them on the next season of Survivor and leave them there to form their own dysfunctional colony. Either that, or we could ignore them entirely and stop endorsing their pathetic behavior by throwing them out on TV.
Bye for now,
Gilmore Smalles

PS song of the day is... Australia, by The Shins. And idea credit to my editor/... editor, Iris Vipperman or Iris Hanlin or whatever alias she is going under right now.